Official Expedited Entry Pass
A meticulously crafted, high-quality physical credential verifying your priority status to the gate attendants.
THE CREDENTIAL
A laminated card, cut and printed to farecard gauge. It carries a serial, a magnetic stripe, and a return window — and the return window is the only honest one ever issued.
HEAVEN PRIORITY
HELL PRIORITY
The both-gates upgrade ships both cards, in one frame. The gates are not interchangeable and neither are their credentials.
YOUR FAST PASS UPGRADE PACKAGE INCLUDES
Gate Clearance Keys
A precision-cut set of physical keys granting immediate clearance through the priority portals.
Certificate of Authentication
Official documentation validating your premium upgrade tier and secured entry status.
Premium Presentation Frame
Your official pass, clearance keys, and certificate arrive securely mounted in a clean, professional framed shadow box. It is designed for immediate, elegant display in your home or office prior to your departure.
THIS IS NOT A NEW IDEA
People have always been buried with the fare. A coin for the ferryman, a wreath of beaten gold, a pair of stout shoes for a road made of thorns. Every entry below is a real practice, and most of them left objects you can go and look at.
The Keys of Heaven Christianity · 1st century CE onward
Matthew has Christ hand Peter "the keys of the kingdom of heaven", meaning the authority to bind and to loose. Authority is difficult to paint. Keys are not — and so within a few centuries the metaphor had hardened into hardware: two of them, gold and silver, crossed, on the arms of the papacy and in the hand of every painted Peter since. It is the clearest case in the record of an abstraction becoming an object because an object could be held up.
A key that opens a gate is the oldest form this product takes. Ours is cut from brass and there are two of them.
Charon's obol Greece and Rome · ca. 5th century BCE onward
A single low-denomination coin, placed in the mouth or on the eyes before burial: the fare for Charon, who rowed the dead across the Styx and would not row them for nothing. The sum was deliberately trivial. It was never about the value — it was about having brought the correct thing. Virgil has the unpaid dead waiting a hundred years on the near bank, watching the boat go without them.
The fare was small and the consequence of arriving without it was not. That has not changed; only the amount has.
The Feather of Ma'at Ancient Egypt · ca. 2400 BCE onward
In the Hall of Two Truths the heart was set on a balance against a single ostrich feather, the feather of Ma’at: truth, order, the way things are supposed to be. Lighter or equal and you went on to the Field of Reeds. Heavier and Ammit ate the heart, and you did not go anywhere at all — not punished, simply ended. It is the only assessment in this register that could not be bought, which is precisely why so much was spent trying.
Every other entry here exists because people preferred a purchase to an assessment. So does this one.
Orphic gold tablets Greek mystery religion · ca. 4th century BCE
Initiates of the Orphic mysteries — the ones who could afford initiation — went into the ground with a leaf of gold foil no bigger than a stamp, inscribed in tiny letters. The text is a set of directions: which spring to avoid, which to drink from, and the exact words to say when stopped. "I am a child of Earth and starry Heaven." They were buried holding the answers, written out, in gold, because gold does not rot and the answers had to survive the journey.
A crib sheet in precious metal, bought in advance by somebody who intended to be asked questions. This is the direct ancestor of the thing on this page.
Rokumonsen Japanese Buddhism · Edo period onward, still practised
Six coins, placed in the casket or in a pouch worn at the neck: the toll for crossing the Sanzu River. Arrive without them and the tradition is specific about what follows — the hag Datsueba takes your clothes, hangs them on a branch, and the depth to which the branch bends is the weight of what you did. The sum is exact. Not an offering, not a gesture: six.
A named price, payable in advance, with a stated consequence for arriving short. The oldest business model in this register.
Curse tablets Greece and Rome · ca. 5th century BCE – 5th century CE
Every other object here was bought for the person who would carry it. These were bought for somebody else. A curse was scratched into thin lead, folded, pierced with an iron nail and dropped into a fresh grave or a deep well — a grave being the nearest available postbox to the gods below. The requests are mostly small and extremely human: that a rival lose a lawsuit, that a chariot team lose a race, that a particular person stop being loved by another particular person.
The one entry that is not an upgrade. It is the opposite transaction, and it is included because the record would be dishonest without it.
THE PRINTED WORK, AS ACTUALLY ISSUED
Not a mockup. This is the document the press produces, captured from a live issue with a specimen name in place of a holder’s.
Shown at the standard every printed item here is produced to. Your Fast Pass credential, keys and certificate are made as a set and framed before they ship.
STANDBY LINE vs. PRIORITY ENTRANCE
You explain yourself. You are expected.
| Aspect | Standby line | Priority entrance |
|---|---|---|
| Queue | General admission line | Dedicated priority entrance |
| Processing | Standard intake, in order of arrival | Expedited — presented and cleared |
| Credential | Ticket link | Physical pass, keys and certificate |
| Before departure | Nothing to show | Framed, mounted, on the wall |
STEP ONE — WHOSE NAME GOES ON IT
STEP TWO — CHOOSE YOUR PRIORITY LANE
HEAVEN PRIORITY
Dedicated priority entrance at the gate of Heaven.
Standing schedule
$777.00
FP-H-777
PRIORITY CLEARANCE — HEAVEN
HELL PRIORITY
Dedicated priority entrance at the gate of Hell.
Standing schedule
$666.00
FP-D-666
PRIORITY CLEARANCE — HELL
Both gates · best value
BOTH GATES
Priority clearance at whichever gate you arrive at.
Standing schedule
$1,443.00
$777.00 + $666.00
PRIORITY CLEARANCE — EITHER GATE
- Admission included
- Ships framed in 2–3 weeks
- No expiry, ever
The Fast Pass Upgrade is charged at the standing schedule. The closing-period markdown applies to admission only — it has never applied to the priority lane, and it does not now.
SPECIFICATION
| Shipping | Included. Posted to 38 countries, tracked. |
|---|---|
| Ships | Assembled, framed and posted. Allow 2–3 weeks. |
| Contents | Entry pass, clearance key set, certificate, shadow box frame. |
| Named holder | Required. Engraved, and not changeable once cut. |
| Admission | Included. A ticket is issued with the upgrade unless you link one you already hold. |
| Redemption window | Unlimited. No expiry. |
| Settlement | Final. No refunds on a change of mind. Remade or refunded if it arrives damaged or not at all. |
| Record | Recorded privately. Your address is never published. |
| Issuing entity | Unsubscribe NYC LLC, by decree of the Church of Conceptual Art |
BEFORE YOU DECIDE
Is this a real object, or am I buying a certificate of a certificate?
It is a real object. A physical pass, a cut key set, a printed certificate, mounted and glazed in a real frame, posted to your address. What it grants at the gate is between you and the gate. What arrives at your door is a thing you can hang on a wall.
Why is the upgrade a hundred times the ticket?
The ticket is a record, and a record costs nothing to keep. This is an object somebody makes with their hands. The ticket is $7.77 because a row in a ledger is cheap; the upgrade is the standing schedule because a framed piece with cut keys is not.
Do I need a ticket first?
No, and you do not need to buy one separately either. If you already hold a ticket, paste its link at checkout and the upgrade is recorded against that ticket. If you do not, admission is issued with the upgrade — a real entry in the public clearing record, in the name you gave, for the gate you chose. The upgrade is the lane; the ticket is the entry; you end up with both.
How long does it take?
Two to three weeks. It is assembled by hand and framed before it ships. If that is too slow, the standby line is free and always open.
Can I change the name after I order?
Only before it is cut. Write to us the same day and it will be changed. Once the engraving is cut it is permanent — which is the entire point of an engraving.
Refunds?
Not for a change of mind. It is made to order and engraved with your name, so it cannot go back on a shelf, and that is stated here, on the payment page and on the certificate itself — a policy a buyer meets only afterwards is not a policy. The one exception is fulfilment: if it arrives damaged or does not arrive, it is remade or refunded. We will not keep $777.00 for something we failed to deliver.
Streamline your final arrangements today.
Add the Fast Pass Upgrade to your package and secure your position in the priority queue.